Letters to Blaine
by balletismyobsession
Summary: Unbeknownst to Blaine, Kurt had written to him. After dealing with pain and loss, Blaine convinces himself to read those letters. Goes with my story 'To Build a Home.'
1. Letter 1

**It's been way too long since I said I was going to start this. Sorry about that. This is the first letter Blaine reads (also the same letter as stated in To Build a Home but I wanted to include all of the letters here, which explains the repeat). I'm working on the second one now so hopefully it'll be up soon. I'm thinking there will be around 24 (?) letters including this one. No telling how long the letters will be but I don't think any will go over 6 or 700 words. **

**Enjoy!**

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><p><em>Blaine<em>

_This feels really weird. I'm writing in a journal. I haven't done that since I was little. My first journal was silver and covered in sparkles because that's what I had wanted to buy with my weekly allowance. My dad always knew when I wrote in it because my hands would be covered in glitter. That was my first lesson in 'buyer's remorse.' But I still wrote in that journal every day. Until I got to the end that is. I don't know what happened to it. I think it might be buried somewhere in my closet. Well, if someone ends up finding it, because I can tell you right now that I won't be digging into the dregs of my closet, you will be holding a piece of seven-year old Kurt Hummel's mind. If you do find it, keep it. It'll be worth something someday. Kurt Hummel: Diva-in-Training. I like it. Has a nice ring to it._

_Okay, enough about baby me. My doctor told me it might help if I wrote stuff down in a journal, keep my thoughts and feelings 'organized' as he put it. Personally, I don't know a better place for my thoughts than inside my own head, but I figured I'd humor him. He said I could just write in the journal for myself, that no one would ever have to read it. But I got to thinking and there's really no one else I'd rather have read my journals other than you. If you want to of course. I warn you that the mind of Kurt can be a bit dull sometimes or I may seem like I have 'Vegas showgirl feathers' in my brain as the lovely Santana once put it. I don't really know if I'll keep at this. This may be the only journal entry you ever read, if you read it at all. But I thought that in addition to helping me, it might be able to help you too. You know me. I have trouble expressing my exact thoughts sometimes, especially if I'm feeling a lot at once. Like now, for instance. And I know that it'll be hard to deal with. I'm still kind of in shock myself. Dad went to get you from school. You're probably on your way here right now. This is going to be so hard to say. I don't want to tell you. I don't want to see the look on your face, the same one that my father had when he found out. But I guess writing it down will help._

_I have cancer Blaine. Leukemia. I start chemotherapy tomorrow and I'm scared. I don't know what's going to happen. I've never known anyone with cancer before._

_I just heard the door open. I don't know how to tell you. I really don't. I don't want you to have to be scared. I'm scared enough already and having to know that you're hurting, because I know you won't do anything but worry is just_

_You just came in the door. He told you. I hear it in the way you're breathing right now._

_Please don't worry. I love you Blaine._

_Kurt_


	2. Letter 2

_Blaine_

_Currently sitting in 'chemo room.' I can't believe I have to be here for… what is it? Five hours? That's way too long. Way too long to be away from you. I wish you were here right now. At least I can still write to you. I made them put the IV in my left wrist so I can still write with my right hand. I found the letter you put in my bag. You are the most adorable person I've ever met. And you're right, I do love the dinosaur picture. I put it on the table next to me so it can stand watch. _

_I'm not alone though. There's four other people here. A girl who's a bit older than me. She looks really upset. An older man who is drawing in a sketchpad. I can only see pieces of it when he shifts it around but he is really good. A lady who reminds me of my grandma when she was alive. She keeps smiling at me and everyone else. I wonder what she's thinking. I smile back but I don't know if it's bad 'chemo etiquette' to talk? But there's a little girl who's next to me, Charlie. Well, her name's Charlotte but she told me not to call her that, so Charlie it is. She kind of reminds me of you. She has dark, slightly curly hair to her waist and I've been talking with her the most. She has a gorgeous smile, even with a front tooth missing. It's her fourth time here she tells me. She has leukemia too. ALL. I don't know if it's curable and it's not my place to ask. She looks like she's only seven or so. But Blaine, she is the shining star in a dark sky. I gave her the drawing you made me and she's making up a story to why the dinosaur is wearing a blazer. I started humming a little while ago and she asked me to sing with her. I swear, this child is like a mini Rachel Berry. Only, not annoying. She told me I sing like an angel. Man, I just want to pick her up and take her home with me. _

_It's kind of amazing how the bright-eyed wonder of a child can take a situation that would be devastating and you take one look at her and you wouldn't even know that she's sick. She's been here for a while and a nurse came with her mom a few minutes ago to take her back to her room. She was starting to fall asleep. I let her keep the dinosaur picture. I hope you don't mind. _

_I'm starting to get tired. I would much rather be laying on the grass with you, looking at the stars. If you can, avoid ever having to come here. It's incredibly boring. I've been thinking about what you said this morning. You're right. I can't pretend that this doesn't exist. But what makes it easier is that I know that when I get home, you'll be there waiting for me and I can just sleep in your arms for days and not be such a baby about this. I guess I have to take some advice from Charlie: If you smile, the bad monsters get all upset and then they won't bother you. Maybe that's why her smile is so big. _

_I miss you. I love you._

_Kurt_


	3. Letter 3

_Blaine_

_Don't believe the pamphlets. This sucks so much worse than anything I've ever been through. 'Nausea and some discomfort' my ass. I have never in my life been this sick ever. I quite literally feel like I just got run over by a car. Throwing up is disgusting and it's all I've been doing for the past day and a half. And I'm so freaking tired but I can't go to sleep because then I get cramps in my stomach and I have to puke again. _

_It got better when you were here though. Just having your arms around me helps. I know I got defensive earlier and told you I didn't need you here, but I didn't mean it. I just feel so hurt and angry right now. _

_I think I'm going to have to make you sleep at some point. You're watching over me like a hawk which is incredibly comforting but baby, you're starting to scare me a bit. Not that I'd ever say that to your face. _

_I love you (and your creepy if not adorable watching-your-every-move eyes)._

_Kurt_


	4. Letter 4

_Blaine_

_You told me you loved me today. I have never been more happy in my life. Even if I have to deal with this crappy stuff right now, knowing that you'll be with me no matter what is enough to not completely want to just lie here and wait for my imminent death. Kidding. Feels like it though. _

_I can't get that song out of my head. Your song. The one you wrote for me. Blaine, you truly have no idea how much I care about you. I'd do anything for you. I wish I could. You're laying next to me and I really don't know how I got to be so lucky that it's you by my side. You make me feel happy. You make me feel like everything is going to be okay. You've spent the past week hardly ever leaving me and just sitting here quietly while I sleep and playing with my hair and even now, you're just laying next to me without a second thought. I don't think I could have made it through this without you. The doctors said that the after-effects should go away in a week or so. That week is almost up. I can feel the symptoms fading. Hallelujah! Or, you know, whatever. Praise floating teapot in the sky! I really don't care. As long as I can kiss you without tasting like vomit. You'd never say anything because you're so sweet like that, but if I taste gross, I'm sorry. Your hair smells really good. I never noticed before. I'm seriously considering hiding your hair gel. Your curls are gorgeous. They're a part of you and to gel them down should be illegal. I love you just the way you are (even with your adorable little fluff curls escaping the cage of gel you insist upon using)._

_I'm really craving some animal crackers right now. Weird, right? Maybe I can eat some next week. I'll get Finn to get me some. And no, Blaine, I'm not using my illness as a way to get Finn to do things for me. Well, maybe a little. Okay, enough bantering. I am tired but I always get excited to go to sleep because I know when I wake up, your arms will be around me. Juvenile perhaps, but I don't really care. _

_I love you. _

_Kurt_

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><p><em><em>**Centered around chapter 16 of To Build a Home. **


	5. Letter 5

_Blaine_

_You went running. That's what it says on the board. But I've been awake for at least an hour and you're still not back. I'm writing to take my mind off missing you. It's not going so well. I'm getting spoiled from waking up next to you for the past few weeks._

_I know you won't read these for a while, if you ever read them, so I don't feel bad about writing this. _

_I have a surprise for you. _

_Well, technically it's the whole family's but it was my idea. Dad's going shopping with Carole to pick out a bed for you. I picked out the comforter and all the accessories a little while ago. Now you won't have to sleep on the air mattress anymore. Though I wouldn't object to sharing a bed with you. Cuddling makes everything better. _

_I love the color green. Random, I know, but there's just so much revolving around green that makes me happy. It's the color of the trees outside that reminds me of the breezy sunny days at Dalton. It's the color of calm. Well, I know that's technically blue that's the calming color, but for me, it's green. It's also your favorite color and the color that I think you look best in. If it were up to me, I'd make you wear green all the time because it brings out your gorgeous eyes. But then people might think you were obsessed with green. Or they might start thinking you're Irish. I wonder if I can get M&M's in all one color. Maybe I can separate them out from the bag? That would be a lot of leftover candy though… Well, I'll figure something out. I know how you love M&M's. _

_Is it weird that I love your handwriting? It's staring at me from the whiteboard and I just noticed that. Is there anything about you that isn't perfect? I'm smiling just thinking about it because I can't think of a single thing. Well, maybe when you leave me to go running. Don't worry, I'm kidding. You can have whatever love affair you want with the wind. _

_I think I smell something burning. I really don't want to know. Dad's cooking? Oh I just heard the door open. I think it's you. Yep, I can hear you. I'd like to let you know that you forgot your cell phone and I'm a bit mad at you. We'll see how long I can stay mad though. You do such things to me just by standing there. Again with the perfect. Always perfect. _

_I love you. _

_Kurt_

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><p><strong>Would it help if I put the chapter that each letter correlates to in To Build a Home? This one is chapter 17.<strong>_  
><em>


	6. Letter 6

_Blaine_

_I'd just like to keep it on the records that Kurt Hummel beat Blaine Anderson in the Great Pillow Fight of 2011. _

_There, enough gloating. I'm glad you like your new bed. _

_I stashed all of my fashion magazines under the sink. Dad told me to throw some away because they took up too much space. He just doesn't understand. Maybe I could make a collage? That sounds like fun. _

_You're sleeping right now. The light from outside is just bright enough that I can see you cuddled up under the blankets across from my bed. You're so beautiful when you sleep. I'm sorry if that's sounds ridiculously creeperish a la psychotic maniac, but it's true. I wonder if everyone looks younger when they sleep? Now I'm curious. _

_I have my next round of chemo in the morning. I'll admit that I'm scared. They said they have to give me a stronger dosage this time. I guess it's not so bad during actual chemo, but the after-affects are horrid. I don't need to tell you that though. I just really hope that it's not too much worse. I put off telling you because I know you'd worry. And you don't need to worry any more than I know you already do. I am so glad I have you because I don't know what I'd do if I didn't. I hate watching Dad and Carole when they're upset. They try to hide it but it's not an easy emotion to cover up. It's the same one that's on your face whenever you think I'm not looking. I wish that you didn't have to worry. I wish that all of this would just go away. _

_I love you._

_Kurt_

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><p><em><em>**Centered around chapter 18 in To Build a Home. **


	7. Letter 7

_Blaine_

_Seriously, chemo sucks. Is there a way I can make that any clearer? The little girl that kept me company last time isn't here. I wonder if she's okay. There's only two other people here. The older woman I saw last time (I wonder if we're on the same schedule) and a man in his late twenties I'd guess. Isn't it weird how there's really no rhyme or reason to cancer? It can happen to anyone at anytime. No one is immune and even age doesn't protect you. Oh this is turning morbid. I'll shut up now. _

_I really miss being at Dalton. I miss singing and I miss the Warblers and I even miss classes. Not the homework of course (I have enough of that to do already) but just the normality I guess. I never realized that there were things I was taking for granted. I just never thought I'd want to see a Dalton math test so badly. _

_I love that I get to call you though. Definitely an improvement over last time I was here. Why didn't we think to do this before? I blame it on the psychology test. Why is it that every time I hear your voice I fall more in love with you? You're too perfect for your own good, you know that right?_

_It's really quiet in here and I feel the need to start humming. You know how they say once you find something you love to do, you can't stop? Singing is definitely that for me. But I feel like if I hum, I might make someone angry. I know it's hard to sit here and wonder if the chemo is going to work this time. It's times like this that I physically hurt without you next to me. I know that you would encourage me to sing right now and I know I couldn't stop you from joining in with me. And I wouldn't mind at all. I'm counting down the few days left until I get to see you again. No matter how bad I feel, you always help me remember that I have someone there for me. _

_I know that Christmas is a month or so away and it's early, but I was wondering if you would do me the honor of going caroling with me? The Glee club does every year, but that's only throughout the school and honestly, it hasn't gone well. One teacher supposedly threw a shoe at them, Mercedes told me. Maybe we could go caroling at the local children's hospital? There are a lot more kids who are younger and sicker than I am and I'm sure it will brighten their days as much as it does mine when I think about singing. _

_Anyway, just a thought. Guess I'll get back to sleeping now. I miss you and I can't wait until I get to see you again, but just know I'm probably going to end up throwing up again. I just hope I make it to the toilet and not on your shoes. Oh I can imagine the look on your face. You'd be shocked, but I can just see the concern blazing in your eyes and you'd tell me that shoes don't matter but I'd feel bad and then probably fall asleep in your arms and you won't even say anything. Because that's just who you are. And I love you for everything you are. _

_I love you. _

_Kurt_

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><p><em><em>**Goes with Chapter 19.**


	8. Letter 8

_Blaine_

_I'm so tired, Blaine. I'm so, so tired. I don't even remember going home. Checking out of the hospital, the car ride, going up to my room, nothing. I don't remember any of that. I've been sleeping for a long time. I didn't know that sleeping could feel so good. I haven't had any dreams though, which is kind of weird, but also strangely relaxing. You know you've slept well when you don't remember your dreams right? _

_I barely remember seeing your face when I woke up enough to actually remember things. You were right there, right beside me. And when you smiled at me, that was enough to make me be slightly okay with this. But then I start writing things like this and even this short note makes me tired. I'll finish later._

_I think I've been asleep for another few hours. Why did I get surprised when you were near me? I should know by now that you're not leaving. You told me that yourself. And I intend to make you keep that promise. I would be so scared without you. I am scared, but you help make the bad things not seem so bad. _

_I have a feeling I should just keep writing on this letter because I think I'm going to end up continuing it until I feel like getting a new paper. Blaine, I think I finally understand how lucky I am to be with you, how lucky that you want to be with me. You practically tore your bed apart to stick it in the bathroom for me so I can throw up in the toilet and not the trash can? Seriously, you managed to make vomiting seem like a luxury and for that, you win all of the 'best boyfriend' prizes. I wish I had something more to give you. You stayed with me the whole night and held me and brought me tea (and it did help) and you reminded me that I have someone worth fighting for. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm going to give up (though it seems tempting at times if I'm being truthful) and there's no way Carole or Burt or Finn or anyone would ever forgive me if I did and I love them too much to ever even think about not fighting, but Blaine, you're the reason I smile. You're the reason I'm glad to wake up (though it means more puking) because I know your arms will be around me and you'll whisper happy thoughts in my ear and if you weren't here, I think I really would have a harder time convincing myself that this is something I can beat. Because though every day seems like a struggle, you're always there. And I know you always will be. And that makes it easier. _

_I love you. _

_Kurt_


	9. Letter 9

_Blaine_

_I can't believe you did this. Really. I knew you were thoughtful but to organize a whole event? That means the world to me. And I'm glad I feel well enough to enjoy it. Everything is beautiful and it's not even over yet! You are amazing. Simply amazing. It is so great to see everyone again. I didn't realize how much I'd missed them. That's what really sucks when I feel so sick all the time is it's hard to really appreciate the people around me. I really do have a great life, especially with you in it. _

_I'm sorry this is rushed, but intermission's almost over. I can't wait to show you how much you're appreciated after this. And yes, that's meant to sound exactly as you think it does._

_I love you. _

_Kurt_


End file.
